Navigating sex as a teen can be difficult. You’ve got your parents telling you one thing and T.V. telling you another all while you untangle your own experiences and opinions. It’s a lot.
The good news is that being or not being sexually active is totally up to you. You can be safe and healthy either way. To make the right decision for yourself, it’s critical that you know all the facts. This post will clear up some common misconceptions surrounding sex and provide you with solid information on how to have safe, healthy sex if that’s what you choose.
Misconceptions About Sex:
Myth #1: All Teens Are Having Sex
Media can muddle your perception of reality. Because of industry regulations about actors under 18, many high school dramas cast actors in their 20s to play teenage roles. While these dramas’ sex-heavy romantic storylines are engaging, they’re not necessarily reflective of high school students’ experiences. It’s all an illusion.
According to the CDC’s National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, only 38.4% of 9-12 graders had ever had sexual intercourse in 2019, down from 54.1% in 1991. Plus, only 27.4% of high schoolers were currently sexually active in 2019, and a mere 8.6% had had intercourse with four or more people in their lifetimes. While the stars of your favorite show may be hooking up with a new love interest each season, it’s safe to say that if you aren’t, you’re not alone.
Whether you have a ton of sexual experience or none at all, you’re in good company with lots of other teens.
Myth #2: Straight Sex is the Only Sex
While the CDC’s data is super helpful in shedding some real-life perspective on the media, it’s also a clear reminder of the LGBTQ+ erasure in sexual education.
Google’s Oxford Languages dictionary defines sexual intercourse as “sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man's erect penis into a woman's vagina.” Heteronormative, we know. Sex doesn’t have to be penetrative, nor does it always occur between a man and a woman.
This means that questions about sexual intercourse can be confusing to answer for sexually active queer teens. On their 2021 Questionnaire, the CDC asks a more accessible question: “During your life, with whom have you had sexual contact?” This question is great because it leaves room for queer sex.
It’s not just data-gathering that marginalizes LGBTQ+ teens, it’s also sex education itself. One of Peer Health Exchange’s 2016 PHEnomenal Five article roundups included a piece about the Real Education for Healthy Youth Act, a bill meant to fill these gaps.
The text of the bill explains that it would fund sex education programs that do the following:
“(1) substantially incorporate elements of evidence-based programs or characteristics of effective programs;
(2) cover a broad range of topics, including medically accurate and complete information that is age and developmentally appropriate about all the aspects of sex, sexual health, and sexuality;
(3) are gender and gender identity-sensitive, emphasizing the importance of equality and the social environment for achieving sexual and reproductive health and overall well-being;
(4) promote educational achievement, critical thinking, decision making, self-esteem, and self-efficacy;
(5) help develop healthy attitudes and insights necessary for understanding relationships between oneself and others and society;
(6) foster leadership skills and community engagement by—
(A) promoting principles of fairness, human dignity, and respect; and
(B) engaging young people as partners in their communities; and
(7) are culturally and linguistically appropriate, reflecting the diverse circumstances and realities of young people.”
The bill would also end the ban on funding programs that distribute contraceptives and would revise educational programs funded through the HIV/AIDS prevention program.
LGBTQ+ youth rarely see their experiences reflected in health education. As of 2018, 7 states in the United States still had “no promo homo” laws prohibiting educators from talking about homosexuality positively. For example, until 2020, health educators in South Carolina could not cover “alternate sexual lifestyles” except when teaching about sexually transmitted infections and diseases. GLSEN reported on the impacts of these laws, finding that they create hostile school environments for LGBTQ+ youth.
Lack of comprehensive sex education isn’t only tough for queer youth. It’s also difficult for nonbinary and transgender youth, many of whom hear zero mention of their experiences or identity in class. That’s isolating. In an article for Teen Vogue, Syd Stephenson interviewed 12 transgender people about what they wished they learned in sex ed. Topics these folks thought should be covered include:
- Safe, non-heteronormative sex
- Navigation of gender dysphoria during sex
- Healthy emotional relationships
- Separation of genitalia and gender
The good news is that inclusive sex education exists. Peer Health Exchange is involved in this effort. The NYC branch is even part of a coalition set on changing sex ed policy. In a blog post about another Inclusive Curriculum Bill, Peer Health Exchange explains that:
“We updated our definition of sex and barrier methods to be more inclusive of the different ways young people may experience sexual activity and their bodies. We have also updated our curriculum to reflect a wider variety of identities represented in the stories and scenarios within the curriculum, with an eye toward reducing gendered and heteronormative scenarios.”
Myth #3: Virginity is Black and White
If sex doesn’t necessarily mean intercourse between a man and a woman, how does virginity fit in? Virginity, like lots of labels, is a social construct. This means that it is not a fundamental truth. It’s a concept that humans created and it can affect someone's place in society. Race and gender are other examples of social constructs.
However, there is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding virginity. Some people think you can “test” to see if someone is a virgin. The World Health Organization wants to ban “virginity testing.” They maintain that you cannot tell if someone has had vaginal intercourse through a gynecological exam. “The term “virginity,” the WHO says, “is not a medical or scientific term. Rather, the concept of “virginity” is a social, cultural and religious construct.”
You may have heard of the hymen, a body part many people associate with virginity. Planned Parenthood clears up common misconceptions about it, explaining that the hymen is a thin piece of tissue at the vaginal opening. Like every other body part, its size and shape vary from person to person. Some people’s hymen can stretch during vaginal penetration, causing some bleeding. However, hymens can stretch and break through many different activities, like:
- Using a tampon
- Riding a bike
- Playing a sport
It’s important to remember that virginity is culturally–but not scientifically–relevant. It's a term that you can define for yourself. Planned Parenthood emphasizes that penis-in-vagina sex isn’t all there is and that you can decide what your sexual experiences mean to you. They also explain that many people believe that rape and sexual assault are not sex because both partners did not consent. If you’ve experienced sexual violence, know that someone else’s actions do not define you. You get to decide what your sexual experiences are and can choose to separate them from the violence you’ve survived. Here is a detailed list of resources you can access if you are a survivor looking for support.
Virginity is harmful when it makes you feel that something is taken from you without your control. You are in charge of your body and defining your experiences. If the word “virgin” is helpful for you, that’s great. If it’s not, then no need to use it.
Myth #4: Abstinence is the Only Option
In 1981, the U.S. government started funding abstinence-only sex-ed programs. Being abstinent means choosing not to have sex. Since 1982, the government has spent over $2 billion on Abstinence Only Until Marriage (AOUM) programs. These programs highlighted monogamous marriages as the only place sex should occur and did not discuss condom and contraceptive use except to mention their failure rates. In 2004, some states began to refuse AOUM funding, and sexual education focused more on preventing teen pregnancy. In 2016, the U.S. rebranded the AOUM funding program as “Sexual Risk Avoidance Education.”
The Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine (SAHM) laid this information out in a 2017 position paper. It then stated that, while abstinence can be a healthy choice, teenagers have the right to make decisions about when they become sexually active themselves. SAHM believes that AOUM government programs are ethically flawed and says that:
- Young people should have a say in the development of comprehensive sex ed
- Sex ed should include information about gender identity, power dynamics, sexual orientation, intimate partner violence, access to sexual and reproductive care, and more
- Governments and schools should not censor information about human sexuality
- Curriculum of sex ed programs should be based on research-backed science
You are at liberty to decide what’s right for you and your body. Maybe you want to be abstinent for religious or cultural reasons. Cool! Maybe you’re not interested in sex right now. Also cool! You don’t have to explain your choice to anyone else.
You are also free to change your mind. Abstinence is a valid option, but it’s not the only option. Your beliefs and feelings about what’s right for you will probably shift throughout your lifetime, and that’s just fine.
How Teens Can be Sexually Healthy:
If you’ve decided that you do want to be sexually active, it’s important to know the basics about how to be healthy and safe. First up: consent and communication.
Consent & Communication
You’ve likely heard lots about consent in recent years, including phrases like “no means no” and “consent is sexy.” While both of those things are true, they aren’t a full picture of what consent means. Planned Parenthood uses an awesome acronym to describe sexual consent: FRIES. Let’s explore it below.
Freely given
If you’re drunk or high, you can’t consent. If you’re saying yes out of obligation, you aren’t consenting. If you feel like you have to say “yes” to someone because they hold more power than you, you’re not consenting. Consent must come freely and independently from you.
Reversible
Just because you started an activity does not mean you have to finish it. Maybe something sounded good but feels bad. Maybe your mood changed. Whatever the reason, you or your partner can decide to stop at any point.
Informed
If you don’t know what you’re consenting to, you can’t consent to it. For example, if someone lies to you about using birth control or wearing a condom, then you aren’t getting all the facts you need to decide to give informed consent.
Enthusiastic
Sex is supposed to be fun! Don’t do something just because it feels like the next expected step. Only do what you want to do.
Specific
Consent to one action does not equal consent to another action. Consent is an ongoing process and can be different for each activity.
If you would like more information about consent, we’ve got you covered. Check out these 4 videos that remind us consent is necessary for good sex.
Consent is NOT confusing. If you are unsure about what your partner is feeling, that’s a sign you should pause and ask them. Maybe they changed their mind and aren’t sure how to express that. Not only is it your responsibility to communicate your needs and wants to your partner, but it's also important to stay in tune with their nonverbal and verbal communication.
If tending to the needs of another person while you explore your own sexuality sounds like a lot, try masturbating. A partner is definitely not necessary for figuring out what you like, and knowing your own body well can make having sex with a partner easier.
Contraception & STD Prevention:
If you are having sex with a partner, you’ll want to avoid spreading sexually transmitted infections or diseases and getting yourself (or someone else) pregnant. Below is a table covering a few options. You can learn more at bedsider.org.
Different types of pills release different types of hormones, but the basic idea is that they keep your ovaries from releasing eggs and thicken your cervical mucus to make it harder for sperm to get around. This method is 93% effective with typical use. It can be hard to keep up with because you need to take the pill every day.
Intrauterine devices sit in the uterus and make it hard for sperm to fertilize eggs. Hormonal IUDs also thicken your cervical mucus. With typical use, IUDs are 99.2% effective at preventing pregnancy. Once it’s inserted, you can leave it there for years.
The implant is a tiny rod that a doctor inserts into your arm. Like the other methods, it releases a hormone that stops ovaries from releasing eggs and thickens cervical mucus. It is 99.9% effective with typical use and stays in your arm for four years.
Condoms are worn over the penis and lower the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections by keeping sperm contained. They are 87% effective with typical use.
Dental dams are a thin piece of latex that go over the vulva or anus to lower the risk of spreading STDs through fluids during oral sex. You can even DIY one out of a condom or rubber glove.
PrEP is a daily pill for people who don't have HIV but are at a higher risk of getting it. It is over 90% effective for preventing HIV, but it does not protect against other STDs.
It might seem daunting to figure out what method is right for you, but your doctor can answer all your questions. Plus, there is lots of good information online at Bedsider.org and PlannedParenthood.org. To learn more about getting birth control independently as a minor, check out this guide to accessing resources.
Your Sexual Health, Your Decisions:
You have agency over your health and sexual decisions. Use the information you just learned to reflect on what’s best for you. Does hearing that virginity is a social construct make you feel a whole lot better about not rushing to have sex? Awesome! Does knowing that abstinence isn’t the only option make you feel empowered to explore your sexuality? Wonderful!
Being sexually healthy is totally achievable. Just remember to choose the right contraception and STD prevention methods for you, make sure you’re giving and receiving enthusiastic consent, and feel free to change your mind at any point. You’ve got this! Check out this link or this link for more information on sexual health.