For three years, my future was invisible. The world felt still and isolated, even with hundreds of people around me. It was simply still. For three years, I felt like I was holding my breath, burdened by thousands of emotions that were hidden from the eye. For three years, I held my head up high. While I cried and hurt myself, I would still go to school, I would still help my friends, and I would continue to do my work. Since my grades were high and I smiled for just a few hours of the day, people genuinely believed nothing could be wrong. I slid right under what they considered the ‘signs’. For three years, I suffered in silence. For those three years, I wrote letters and journal entries:
December 12, 2021: “My best isn’t enough and, I know that. No piece of advice I’ve ever heard is actually true in my life. I deleted all of my social media accounts, all my pictures in my camera roll. It feels like all of the good memories are fading.”. I may not remember every detail from those years, but I remember the feelings–hopeless and impossible.
December 15, 2021: “I am in so much pain and everything feels numb”.
December 16, 2021: “If I’m gone someday, I hope someone remembers me. I hope they remember my laugh, my favorite book, my handwriting. I hope I’ve made some sort of impact in someone’s life.”
There are hundreds of more entries, and hundreds of stories are cut out of the main picture. Back then, I felt hopeless. People always say,” Time heals wounds,” but it isn’t just Ttime. You have to grasp onto a sliver of hope. You have to want to change. You have to try, and it won’t be easy. The last message in this journal reads as the following:
December 2, 2022: “I had a good day. The only thing I feel like I’m missing is a friend”.
January 11, 2023: “I’m moving on, I choose to not let myself get this bad again. New year, new chances. I just need to make it through the day”.
Something people don’t share often is that a journey like this isn’t linear. . I still feel hopeless but have found ways to gain a new perspective. January 11 was not the last time I felt the same way. It took five friends, a loving sister, and two years to learn. It took time, but it also took making a wish . So, I sit here crying four years later, but they are happy tears. I can envision a future where I make others feel loved. Before, I wrote about wanting to be remembered and creating memories for myself and others. I wrote about friends, and while it took a lot of work, I have made friends who are the most caring and considerate humans in the world.
It may seem impossible, but cling to the slightest hope. People do see you and, at least one person in this world cares. If not, then let it be me. A quote that stuck with me was, "We accept the love we think we deserve.” (The Perks of Being a Wallflower) Sometimes, we don’t see all the love around us. We can try to show others the love they may be missing; it may just be enough.